So, I started driving last week. Only had two hours in a car before today's lesson. And I was buzzing after the first one. I learnt moving away and stopping, all the cockpit checks, safety checks, stuff like that and was told I could possibly pass my test with fewer lessons than average for my age. Which was all pretty cool. I turned left (which was alright) and right (which was a lil' bit more cool than left). I also got into third gear, which I didn't think I'd need to do whilst driving at about 1mph.

Had a quick revisit of the previous lesson at the beginning of this one. And considering I've not been in a car (at least not in the driver's seat) since that lesson, I was quite pleased that I remembered everything. So was the instructor.




I'd already turned left a lot during my first lesson and done a few right turns. Can't going about on one straight bit of road without finding a motorway (FUCK THAT, PLZ). It was just going into it in more detail, specifically MSMPSL or Mirror, Signal, Manouvere, Position, Steering (I think), Look (I think). Ideally, about 7 cars lengths away, you look at your centre and left/right mirror (depending on the direction in which you're turning) and then indicate. You then slow down, look at your mirrors and the turning you're headed into for last minute suicidal cyclists, then turn, with a look into your centre mirror to complete the whole shebang, before you speed off into the horizon.

Ideally.

For me, it was more a case of, "Turn left. You signalled too early, cancel it. No, look first, then signal. Slow down... slower... slooower... slo- clutch all the way down... no, you've stopped too far away, let the car roll forward a bit... okay, there's nothing coming, turn... turn more, or you'll hit that car. Undo your steering... foot off the clutch... look at the mirror.... okay, now go forward."

For the whole two hours. I stalled even more times than I did in my first lesson, and didn't hit third gear as often either. I suppose it's because I was on more main roads and doing harder things, more things at the same time. Still doesn't make me feel any better. Feels like I've gotten worse when I should be getting better.

Two things about this lesson have really shaken me up though. First, I was being followed by a concrete mixer. Huge great stonking thing taking up my entire rear-view mirror. Clearly not very happy at the 15mph I was travelling at, he attempted to overtake me. Just as I moved in front of him because I was turning right, he veered to the side and almost made me run into oncoming traffic whilst he undertook me. That was scary. I don't think my instructor's ever had to grab the wheel before.

Almost 30 seconds, I stalled at the filter light I had almost crashed at, with a queue of about 15 cars behind me. I started panicing, they started hitting their horns, I paniced more... etc. It went back to red and gave me a minute or so to calm down before pulling off again, and then at least two of the cars/vans who had been waiting behind me overtook. Which... is annoying, but whatever. They can go crash further up ahead, I don't care.

Third, in the second half of the lesson, I was at a crossroads, waiting to go over. I was trying to creep out to see past a white van that was parked on the corner, and I waited and waited... couldn't see anything. Pulled out and I was greeted by two cars coming down the road at about 20mph. I managed to get across, but I can't help but think that if they'd been going any faster, they'd have crashed into me.

Went past a school or two, and that was a lil' scary. Even though they're locked up inside the school gates, I couldn't shake the worry that one might appear in the middle of the street and I wouldn't have been able to brake. I mean, my instructor would have, but I probably wouldn't have been able to drive for the rest of the millenia because of shock.

On the way back (and by this time, I'd already looked at the car clock twice to see what the time was; I just wanted to get home) I was happy that I didn't stall at the filter lights up past the college near my house, but not at all happy that I then stalled at a red light outside the college. Thankfully, I didn't have to wait through two sets of red lights to sort myself out, and the bus lane was open to all, so a few people went past, but it was still annoying.




I'm getting better at clutch control and can now hang for a little while on a not-so-steep-hill. I'm also slowly calming down when I change gear, and my instructor's only prompting me to change into second gear when we're on straight road, so that's good.

But I was still fucking terrified. And whether or not it was purely down to the driving and the ever present adrenaline, the fact I've not been sleeping properly, all the unbelievable amounts of hassle at work, the drugs I'm taking or a combination of those things, I only just managed to stop myself from crying in the car. I managed to get to the sofa before I burst out in tears. I'm still teary now and I've been back for about 45 minutes.

I want to keep driving, but I also want to get better and it feels like I've just gotten worse. I know it's only my second lesson, but I always want to do the 100m sprint before I can walk. Hopefully, I'll be driving in big circles around a supermarket car park in a few days time so I can practice my moving away and stopping (mainly).

Driving is scary.